I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
