Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Operation Purity has been aborted
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
