man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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