2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
