Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
