One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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