can we get nightvision for the apartment?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
