I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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