We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
