I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
