for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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