Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize