I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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