I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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