Define "chronic" masturbator.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
