Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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