I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
