Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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