He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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