Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
