dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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