He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
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I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
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Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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