Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
