If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Small penises have feelings too.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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