Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
