i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
