How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
