I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
