nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
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Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
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By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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