i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
