I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
