I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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