doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
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I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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