i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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