Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I think I won the penis lottery.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
