I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
