what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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