Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
