you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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