We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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