So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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