We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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