the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Randomize
