i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
