i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
