chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
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You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
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Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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