My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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