Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
