I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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