I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
