When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
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Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
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You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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