I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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