You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
