Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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