i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
