I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
