After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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