i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
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Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
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The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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