respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
