Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
