Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
