i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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