chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
they're like a gay fantastic four
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Randomize
