Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
