Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
