I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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