i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
