Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
